I have no idea what I'm doing

Author: NotAlexHorne

Where have I been?

Fam, I have been going through it. I’ve been having trouble writing in any capacity since last year, stemming from the bullets in my floor. My anxiety and stress and depression levels have been worse than I think they’ve ever been, and the best way to deal with that was to not force myself to do things that were actively contributing to the problem. Things like deadlines and having to use my brain, which was leaking out my ears.

I started managing to get some writing done toward the end of last year, both in the form of fanfic and an original project I intend to public, but my anxiety surrounding both of them was just getting higher and higher, which was making my depression worse and worse. So in December, we started switching up my medications for both. And fuck me sideways in the face. It did not go well. We trialled multiple combinations that just made everything worse in both directions. I won’t go into the details, because it was horrific. But it is now April, and I’m just getting back to my baseline of where I was before everything went to hell last year. Which is still nervous and a bit unpredictable at times, but at levels I can exist comfortably at.

I’ve also been getting some tattoos lately, including one to act both as a memento mori and an homage to the silly little show that got me through the bullshit last year.

But what does this all mean? Well, it means I’ve sort of started writing again. In that I’ve got an outline for a fic sitting on my other monitor in Aeon, and I’ve plugged a few words into Scrivener for it, in the hopes to be able to kickstart myself back into gear on my other WIPs. I’ve also decided I don’t want to post WIPs on AO3. I think that’s a big source of stress and anxiety for me and I don’t want it. So I’m leaving this post open to everyone to hopefully minimise confusion.

I’m going to use this space and my fic site for WIPs. No actual fic will go out to emails, because some of it can get quite spicy or intense, and I realise that you may be anywhere when you open your email. What this newsletter does is announces fic, and points you in the direction of where to find it. All fic on my site is password protected, and aside from that one time when I was in such a black pit and really just going through the motions, passwords are included in the newsletter.

I’m not going to post with any schedule. Chapters or oneshots will go out as I finish them. They will all likely be early drafts with little editing, just for the sake of getting them out. I am terribly dyslexic, so please bear that in mind. Once the fic in question is finished and has gone through about five or six drafts, it will go up on AO3.

This post is public and will remain so. Because it’s public I’ve also turned off comments because spam bots keep attacking me. In order to sign up, there are loads of places dotted throughout you can input your email address in. You might have to confirm your subscription in your email. I can’t remember. Once you do that, there’s a link somewhere at the bottom of one of the emails WordPress will send you where you can manage your account or something, and be able to opt out of certain categories so you only see the sort of fic you’re interested in seeing. I keep saying I’m going to upload my entire back catalogue, and that may happen one day, but the prospect of uploading 3,000,000 words of fic just sounds disgusting.

If you have any questions, hit me up on the discord or something.

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